The stillness I have practiced has been stirred like the bottom of the sea just before the storm. The sands are churning. Pieces of me are mixed with the rolling tides. Floating separate, scatterd and unsettled.  Reaching a far away place. A shore I never walked. I am here alone. Looking for you. Longing for you. Waiting for you.

Explorer of time and space, journeyman of my soul; I beckon you...come to me, come to me, come to me and quiet my daunting doubt.

Carry me to the mountain top. Surround me in the low lying clouds. Sing to me, in a language that only we share.The tongue of our heart, our beginning, our end and rebirth. It is in this place the truth is heard. Promise me, it is here we will stay.  I have known you before. Before time, after time and all the in between stages of our comings and goings. 

Kiss me in the morning. Kiss me in the evening. Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me. It is your kiss that gives the sweet life force I need to stay still.   

Have we made life to easy for our children, ourselves, our friends? I think perhaps we have. Living the instant gratification life style has put us at a disadvantage. We want "it" and we want "it" now. We want things, love, praise, and happiness without any effort. We want to be on easy street ,so to speak, without paying the dues.

Life has dues. It's called pain.   No pain, No gain!

When a child first learns to walk there is suffering. He falls, he cries, he scares the hell out of his parents. Does all of this detor the inevitable? No, the child walks and there is nothing, not even the bumps and bruise that stop the child from learning to walk. The child keeps trying. His drive for independence keeps his eye on the prize. If he wants to hold the pretty shiny object on the table he will have to stand and reach it when "she's" not looking. Cause she won't let him have it...if he wants it he will have to get it himself. The need to do what he wants eggs him on. He has learned he wants something and to get it he must suffer the trial and error of walking. The joyous victory is short lived. There is a new lesson for him to learn. Obedience.  

Obedience to parental units is the first truly hard lesson. Being born of free will the child has much suffering ahead.

If he has loving caring parents that are consistent and stable his suffering will be minimal. On the other hand if he has parents that do not discipline and allow his free will to expand without teaching it is possible his suffering will be greater when he is left to fend for himself in the world. 

The greatest gift we can give is teaching our children how to learn their lesson with minimal suffering. Teach cause and effect. Teach them to do the work it takes to have the desires of their heart. Teach them to work for what they want. Do not make excuses or teach them how to excuse away the pain or mistakes. The lessons will be lost.

If they didn't do their homework and got a zero then they got what they earned. If their grades drop because they continually fail to do what is required and they fail... then they fail.  Life has rules. It's better they learn them now than when they are forty something and are asking all the other rule followers for hand outs.

Most have forgotten how to suffer. Entitlement has clouded so many lives and people as a whole have forgotten how to learn.  

I don't understand people. No I don't understand daddy's that sell out their children!!!! What kind of father would take a job with KBR going to a war zone and make his girlfriend the emergency contact and beneficiary of his life insurance policy with strict instructions of what to do?

You have got to be kidding me....I'm in shock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He is a low life scum sucking dog. God I hate him... forget the I forgive you shit. forget it forget it forget it.

He' leaving Sunday and hasn't even bothered to see his kids, or tell them for that matter.

Here is the back ground story.

I divorced him because he is a crank addict! He loved crank more than me. He said it. I got on my knees and said baby whatever it takes I'm willing to help you. He looked at me straight in the eye and said "I will never give it up" I got up and said "it's over".  I packed my stuff and told the kids to pack theirs and we left. I was gone for six months. Then I decided I wanted my house back. That meant him back too. I tried another six months and then he left. Couldn't take my nagging, or my money spending on responsibilities...oops my bad no money left for drugs.

Well, when he hit bottom... with out me there to pick up the pieces he found another dumb ass(so I thought) to help put humpty dumpty back together gain. He's been living with this married women... yes married women who's husband is in Iraq... yep you guessed it working for KBR.... see a theme here? I thought well maybe she's getting him straightened out helping him where I couldn't. There was hope for this wretched soul after all. Boy, was I fooled yet again.  

Mean while no child support, no money to help pay the mortgage that when I sell according to the divorce papers I am suppose to split the money with him. Oh Lets see what else... I pay for his uncle to live in the trailer next to us... it's incorporated in to my monthly mortgage and the bitch has done so much for him and helped him that he feels obligated to make her his beneficiary... and not his children? WTF?

I'm not suppose to be upset. She has strict instructions. Okay? Yeah like those will happen when some Jihad blows his fucking ass to shreds. Then what? I knock on her door and say "hey... remember my kids and your strict instructions"... Right, I feel so confident in that arrangement. She's not such a dumb ass after all is she?

I am really putting my sad pathetic story out here for all of you to read... I just can't believe that people like this exist and I married it, procreated with it and was actually in the process of forgiving it.

You know It's not about the money...(he's not dead) it's the principal. These are his kids, his flesh. THEY LOVE HIM UNCONDITIOANLLY. No matter what he has done or not done. What if something happens and they find out he Loved Phyllis... (yep that's the bitch's name) more then he loved them.  All because she took him in. What am I going to tell them. How can I possibly put a good spin on this one.

This is how I found out.

I called him tonight to invite him and her over for diner tomorrow because it is our sons 19th birthday. He tells me that Phyllis won't make it. I asked why.. he said and I quote"because she feels weird  being  the other woman at my house" What? that has never stopped her before? So I asked him Why? she never had a problem before? Have I done something to hurt her feeling? Truthfully I can do that... be verbally abrasive. He said no, she was just uncomfortable. "Whatever!" I said and then told him to be here around 6:30 and hung up. I got to thinking... bad thing thinking... so I called him back and asked questions about his impending job opportunity. That's when I found out he was leaving SUNDAY!!!! Alarms. So I asked who's listed as your emergency contact? He said ... yep... you guessed it... Phyllis.... long pause. Who's the beneficiary Tommy?

 I uninvited him. Told him that he and his beneficiary could make their own plans to see the children and tell them goodbye.   

Parents are suppose to provide for their children, monetarily, emotionally, and unconditionally. He's not a parent. I don't even think he even qualifies as human.